21.5.12

Vulnerability; a stolen excerpt

...from 'Abba's Child' by Brennan Manning. This is a battle I am constantly fighting, and a lesson I am constantly learning. As I read the words below, a small part of me forces me to my knees in recognition of the long road ahead. And then...there is hope.

"This brokeness is what needs to be accepted. Unfortunately this is what we tend to reject. Here the seeds of corrosive self-hatred take root. This painful vulnerability is the characteristic feature of our humanity that most needs to be embraced in order to restore our human condition to a healed state.

It used to be that I never felt safe with myself unless I was performing perfectly. My desire to be perfect had transcended my desire for God... my jaded perception of personal failure and inadequacy led to a loss of self esteem, triggering episodes of mild depression and heavy anxiety.

Some of us believe that God is almighty and can do everything; and that He is all wise and can do everything; but that He is all love and will do everything - there we draw back. As I see it, this ignorance is the greatest of all hindrances to God's lovers.

...they over-extend themselves in people, projects and causes, motivated not by personal commitment but by the fear of not living up to others' expectations. Everybody will admire us but no one will know us.

...I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself that you are loved that you have not heard me.

Experiencing the inner healing of the heart is seldom a sudden catharsis or an instant liberation from bitterness, anger, resentment, and hatred. More often it is a gentle growing into oneness with the Crucified who has achieved our peace through His blood on the cross. This may take considerable time because the memories are so vivid and the hurt is still so deep. But it will happen."

May you know the God of love as a stronger force than the fight inside.

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