Here we are again...

My heart has had a hard year.

Learning to trust and learning to let go. I have spent the last months learning to breathe again. The deep kind of breaths, breathing in the warmth of the sun and the yellow flowers outside my front door.

And to be honest, I don't think that I can take much more right now. There is too much sunshine and too many flowers to breathe, I don't know if I want more heartache and less deep breathing.

So, I am giving up love for lent.

Not Love. Not the uppercase kind of Love that God is, or the kind of Love that my family and friends are. Just love. The lowercase kind. The kind that makes your heart skip a beat when you smell that aftershave passing by in the street. Or you see the familiar mop of hair ducking through a doorway. The kind that promises much, and delivers much, but only on the premises of much suffering. They say beauty is pain...I say love is beauty. And love is painful.

There is too much time to dance down the street, and read books, and sing along to the Glee soundtrack with my flatmates. There are too many opportunities to seize, too many smiles to be gifted, too many sunflowers facing the sky, too many meals to cook, too much uppercase Love to experience. 

Lowercase love can wait until it is ripe enough to grow. In to an uppercase L. 

Three thousand years ago, King Solomon said "protect your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life." He had a point. How often do we feel lonely, only to wish that we had someone to snuggle up next to? How often do we feel that nagging emptiness, only to long for another half to fill it? Yet, surely it is God that fills that hole, and embraces us completely. I want that.

And until I am blessed with my ripened love-turned-Love, I shall praise the God who made me, serve the Christ who saved me, and eat lemon meringue pie to the sweet sound of Otis Redding.

1 comment:

  1. Close your eyes, hold your heart.
    Take a breath, let excitement spark.
    Let your hands tremble, and the smile turn.
    A rush of blood, reservations burn.
    A quiet hope, in a screaming world.
    The promise of a kiss, to a wondrous girl