Forced to my knees

This morning, packing up my stuff in to boxes, getting ready to move out of my flat, I came across a letter. Amongst a whole draw full of letters, notes, cards and bits, I pulled out this letter.
...I want you to know that I am passionately and constantly praying for you. I am praying for an OVERFLOWING joy for out creator. For a new fresh understanding of the God we love so much. Of a COMPLETE and overwhelming fulfilment by the Holy Spirit, by our God; a RIDICULOUS sense of peace and passion and fire and burning desire to know Him more. To SEE Him more. To love Him more...and through this, the next part of your journey in OPENING up, and being oh so vulnerable. Girl. soften your heart, open your eyes, be seen, be known, by your God Almighty. Beloved, you are worthy in Christ, as are each and every one of our brothers and sisters...
My beautiful friend had written it to me months and months ago, when I was going through a tough time. And, forgive me for this Steph, but I hardly remember really taking it in when I read it at the time. But that's ok, because today leads me to think that it was in fact written for a time like now. A time like today, to begin this healing process.

I am empty. I am a vessel. But I forgot this...instead of seeking to be open to joy and beauty and love and wonder and amazement and a passion like nothing else, I sought to fill the holes with pointless things. Finite things. Things of desire and temptation and meaningless apathy. And reading these words, I remember; we are not alone. We were created to be in beautiful union with the Creator of the universe. Where else can I go but to You? 
Forced to my knees, overwhelmed with tears, I am suddenly filled with peace. Passion. Remembering who the God is that I serve, what He looks like...glorious, faithful, controversial, wonderful, kind, generous, personal, royal, worthy, infinitely mysterious, pure, holy, just, good, loving. How could I turn away? I am in the hands of a God who calls me to love mercy and do justly, whilst reigning love and justice down upon me and my brothers and sisters. E hoa ma, ina te ora o te tangata. Bless this community, Father. This equal, open family to whom I can run,  be messy with. Who have helped me to see you, once again.

Lord, I'd forgotten what it was like to yearn for you. In the midst of my grief, in the midst of loneliness, in the midst of my helplessness, I have discovered what it is to feel your peace again. It feels like it has been years...and I want nothing more than to be filled with your joy and to love abundantly. I have come from a place of prosperity and riches to a place where I have nothing but you. And I am not afraid anymore; no, for I have nothing left to be afraid of, nothing to lose. But I have learnt to fear the Lord.


  1. I always enjoy reading your posts. Even though I'm not religious, I admire what you say. It comes from the heart; it's real and living and not just empty words. It's delicate but resonant at the same time. Keep it up :)

  2. Thank you so much, it means a lot :)