That Banksy picture...a little girl reaching up high for her heart, hair blowing in the wind. That is how I feel, right about now.
I feel like my body is too small to be able to handle such a hurricane of emotions.
I feel like I'm on my tip-toes, reaching for the string to my heart, but its already been blown away.
I feel the wind whipping my hair, ballooning my skirt around my legs, and stinging my eyes.
I am exhausted, exhilarated, scared.
Scared beyond belief, kneeling at at my Fathers feet.

Mr J. Mayer has been playing all morning.
He pretty much says it all in In Repair...

Stood on the corner for a while,
To wait for the wind to blow down on me.
Hoping it takes with it my old ways,
And brings some brand new luck upon me.
Oh it's taking so long,

I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice,
I should assume it's still unsteady.
I am in repair, I am in repair.

And now I'm walking in a park,
All of the birds they dance below me.
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me.

Oh it's taking so long,
I could be wrong, I could be ready.
Oh but if I take my heart's advice,
I should assume it's still unsteady.

Oh, yeah I'm never really ready.
Oh, yeah I'm never really ready.
I'm in repair,
I'm not together but I'm getting there

Are we ever really ready though? The higher up my heart blows, the more exposed I am, the bigger the walls around me grow.

I will wait until it comes back down to earth, until the walls are broken down, until the wind has been calmed.

Please Lord...less of me, more of You.


Persistent love.

Jesus is on the street. And I am humbled.
The people who I have previously shied away from...they are the people that are teaching me about the beauty of the kingdom.

William Blake. "Joy and woe are woven fine, A clothing for the soul divine.Under every grief and pine runs a joy with silken twine
." Blessed are the persecuted...for they will receive the kingdom of God.

This mysterious, light-filled, dangerous, gentle, full, loving, sacrificial, holy, broken, noble, brave, selfless, compassionate, generous, steady, challenging man. Jesus. He stirs my soul in ways that I can not even imagine...he pierces the deepest parts of my heart and wakes up emotions I never knew I had. Rage at the injustice I witness. Pain at the rejection of light. Grief at the loneliness permeating our society.
And the healing of my spirit, reconciliation with His spirit, and the spirits of His people.

"Having made us in His image, God longs that we should share in His love. Yet, by and large, we have turned our backs on him; we ignore and reject his love, and, as a consequence, so often ignore and reject one another. Since love will never force itself on unwilling people, He watches us fall away from Him and from each other; He see's us resenting, hating, fighting, and killing one another. He sent His Son that there may be 'peace on earth', but we will not have this man reign over us. So, mistrust, confusion, bitterness and war pollute the face of the earth...
When Jesus weeps for His body, the church, that is torn, wounded and broken, can we be unmoved if we are truly His disciples?...
Until the church can unitedly manifest their wisdom, power and love for God, the world remains captive to the powers of darkness, and the Devil and all his children mockingly taunt, 'Where is your God?'.... It is when we are able to overcome evil around us with persistent love that the kingdom of God will be seen to be greater than the kingdom of this world." (Discipleship. David Watson, 1981)



I haven't written a blog post in a while...I think I am definitely feeling more contemplative and less vocal about my thoughts lately. Perhaps winter is not only forcing my body in to hibernation, but also my mind? 
This last week has been the coldest week I have ever experienced...in my life. Most of New Zealand had some form of snow or hail falling, which is hardly ever the case, and here in Wellington it was like a winter wonderland! Absolutely beautiful. This video of Cuba Mall (down the road from my flat) is so good...Debussy himself is my hero. Do you ever wonder if you'd be friends with someone like that if you were alive 200 years ago?

I'm going up to Hamilton for a few nights this Sunday, and then home for a week over the study break. I need it...I have been walking through the last few months in somewhat of a daze. I went to coffee with a friend the other day, and he said to me; "You have to realise, the only moment that exists is NOW. There is no point saying that you'll do this when uni is finished, or that when you are free, because the only moment you will ever have to do anything is is this moment, right here. Now."

I don't want to miss now. The tingling of my fingers in the cold. The flowers that hide amongst the ice. The hum of an airplane, my breath freezing in the air, the anticipation of Sunday. The deep cracks in the pavement full of moss, the way my feet read each other as the walk left, then right. The gift that is this moment.

Gandhi said "I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following."  
How do we surrender ourselves to the present like this? What is God's grace worth in each of those moments, where we realise the whispers within out soul, and embrace it without fear?
Those are the questions that I hold, unanswered.

And on a completely unrelated point...

I think I have found my soul-mate. S'more Pie. Oh sweet, sweet love, I am so ready to devour you.