So it is my last full day back home in Auckland...and tomorrow I return to the windy town of Wellington!
It's been an interesting two weeks. Hectic, crazy, busy, God-filled, question-filled. I suppose in the last two months in Wellington I've really been questioning who I am, and where I fit in to God's plan...without all my friends and whanau to support me, and without the comfortable little Olivia-shaped nooks and cranny's that I had burrowed out in my world to guide me in who I was perceived to be, I kind of lost my identity. Which sucked.
But the funny thing is, being at home and having the crazy social life, a million things to do and see, it made me realise where God really wanted me. I love Auckland with all of my JAFA'ness and heart and soul. It is my home. I live next to a beautiful river, with beautiful veiws, and the most beautiful people who have beautiful hearts. All round beauty! But here, I am clouded...I'm comfortable. I know who I can act like and get along smoothly with and not get too close to the heat and danger. I can live with God quite easily, but I never let myself live for God...the places deep inside me which are ugly and scare me? I never let Him in there fully, to cleanse me and change me. I never give Him the space.
Wellington is lonely. Its freaking COLD and I don't really know many people. I have no choice but to rely on my Father. Isn't that strange? Just how dependant we can be on others, to define us? Yet that is the trap I fell in to...forgetting that Jesus said in Matthew, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ (Matthew 25)
What I find my identity in defines who I live for...which defines my eternal life. (Matthew 6:20)
So I learnt, yet again, as we do on our journey with Jesus, going back to the basics again and again and again. I may have beautiful people in Auckland, a home, comfort, ministry to serve in and people to keep happy. But these things are not my identity. I have come to idolise them, when in fact, God want ME! God wants me to worship Him heart, mind and soul, He wants me to lay before Him so He can work inside of me, change my heart and shape me in to the woman of God He wants me to be! (Romans 12:1)
And I return to Wellington, my heart aching for all I am leaving behind yet again, but expectant, because I know that the God of the Universe, the Creator of the Heavans, is waiting for me to trust in Him alone, to spend time with only Him, and to learn to delve in to the dark parts of my soul, and light them with Him love (Psalm 51:7). And only then will I be able to live for Him and Him alone. Idol-free.
I still feel alone and scared. Don't we all at some point? But I know unless I force myself out of an environment that I don't have the strength to resist, and in to an environment in which all I have is my Papa, I will keep on putting Jesus on the sidelines, expecting Him to watch and cheer as I try to play the game on my own strength, when all He wants to do is sweep me up in to His arms and run toward the tryline for me.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate"." (Luke 15:17)