Alexander - Glimpses

My Father in Heaven.

So it is my last full day back home in Auckland...and tomorrow I return to the windy town of Wellington!

It's been an interesting two weeks. Hectic, crazy, busy, God-filled, question-filled. I suppose in the last two months in Wellington I've really been questioning who I am, and where I fit in to God's plan...without all my friends and whanau to support me, and without the comfortable little Olivia-shaped nooks and cranny's that I had burrowed out in my world to guide me in who I was perceived to be, I kind of lost my identity. Which sucked.

But the funny thing is, being at home and having the crazy social life, a million things to do and see, it made me realise where God really wanted me. I love Auckland with all of my JAFA'ness and heart and soul. It is my home. I live next to a beautiful river, with beautiful veiws, and the most beautiful people who have beautiful hearts. All round beauty! But here, I am clouded...I'm comfortable. I know who I can act like and get along smoothly with and not get too close to the heat and danger. I can live
with God quite easily, but I never let myself live for God...the places deep inside me which are ugly and scare me? I never let Him in there fully, to cleanse me and change me. I never give Him the space.

Wellington is lonely. Its freaking COLD and I don't really know many people. I have no choice but to rely on my Father. Isn't that strange? Just how
dependant we can be on others, to define us? Yet that is the trap I fell in to...forgetting that Jesus said in Matthew, Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ (Matthew 25)
What I find my identity in defines who I live for...which defines my eternal life. (Matthew 6:20)

So I learnt, yet again, as we do on our journey with Jesus, going back to the basics again and again and again. I may have beautiful people in Auckland, a home, comfort, ministry to serve in and people to keep happy. But these things are not my identity. I have come to idolise them, when in fact, God want ME! God wants me to worship Him heart, mind and soul, He wants me to lay before Him so He can work inside of me, change my heart and shape me in to the woman of God He wants me to be! (Romans 12:1)

And I return to Wellington, my heart aching for all I am leaving behind yet again, but expectant, because I know that the God of the Universe, the Creator of the Heavans, is waiting for me to trust in Him alone, to spend time with only Him, and to learn to delve in to the dark parts of my soul, and light them with Him love (Psalm 51:7). And only then will I be able to live for Him and Him alone. Idol-free.

I still feel alone and scared. Don't we all at some point? But I know unless I force myself out of an environment that I don't have the strength to resist, and in to an environment in which all I have is my Papa, I will keep on putting Jesus on the sidelines, expecting Him to watch and cheer as I try to play the game on my own strength, when all He wants to do is sweep me up in to His arms and run toward the tryline for me.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate"." (Luke 15:17)


Spillin' it all over the place.

Lately I have been planning goals and thinking about what kind of lists I want to write...

What I want to do in the next while;

  • Fall in love with my Savior all over again.
  • Spill over. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. Overflow.
  • Live Proverbs 31:10-31...
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate


[truhst] -verb. 1. to have confidence; hope.
to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something.

It is so hard to trust, when so often we feel let down.
The thing is...lately I've found myself clinging on to whatever hurts that I have, refusing to let them go, refusing to give them to Jesus, my supposed Savior. I have refused the one true Savior, opting instead to try to save myself.
And I let myself down.

How can I cry out to God, "I want to trust in You!" when in actual fact, I have given Him nothing to work with? I just keep trying to control everything myself, control the future, wish on the past.

Confidence. To have confidence; hope. I trust in God and God alone. I have confidance in His holiness, in His strength. I hope in His love and His wisdom...
I just have to stop trying to keep controlling it all myself.


"Be the change you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Ghandi.

When did we grown up? Start to be our own people...we grew, we created ourselves. And we destroy ourselves. When did we start to paint our faces with with lipstick and kohl instead of bright colours? When did we begin to curse at the wind instead of offering it the autumn leaves?

When was it that life turned from technicolour to black and white with a hint of yellow? Why are we so quick to judge, when we used to be so quick to embrace? How have we begun to weep at lifes sorrows rather than rejoicing in its triumphs?

When was it that we became so obsessed with ourselves?

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” 1 John 3:16.

We are among the richest people in the world. In the top 10%, if not higher. Yet our dreams and passions and apirations have fallen, stagnant, in to pile, replaced with people, jobs, uni, the desire to be known, to be loved, to be seen.

I watched a movies called 'China Blue' on Tuesday...it follows the lives of women in sweatshops in China, and it made me ANGRY. Righteously angry. That people could be forced in to such injustice, that humans could be so demoralised! A burning passion in my gut.

And this is what the dream is about! Laying down our lives for our brothers and sister. Who will you lay down your life for? Where is your passion? Are you with me, in the sustainable development of countries, of people who have no freedom? Or do you weep at the child prostitute, the broke businessman, the beaten woman, the lost teen with no father figure, the creatures that we abuse and misuse...?

Because where you stand is everything. Jesus stood next to you, and remains to stand next to you. And then he was nailed to a cross.

Where is your love?

I burn at injustice. I cry for the people who consume, yet are so empty. I yearn for those whose opportunities are snatched from them, and for the man whos life has been cut out from under him.

And so does Jesus.

Where is your love?